Battling with Depression.

I find myself often battling with depression.  It seems odd that I should go through this struggle.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am where God wants me.  I have an amazing wife who supports me and trusts me to lead our family.  I have two wonderful and beautiful children.  I am able to pay my bills, feed my family, and even have the occasional extra.  So why should I be depressed?

I have read many articles that try to give varied opinions on this matter.  I think the most outrageous thing I have read lately is that I am depressed because my parents spanked me as a child, which they did often and I deserved it too.  Other articles say that depression is a simple chemical imbalance in my brain.  Many people will argue that my depression is a spiritual issue, either due to my sin or spiritual attacks.  I recently read that 70% of pastors struggle with depression.

I don't know why I struggle with depression.  I just know I do.  I read through passages that tell us to "rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice" or the Psalms that call for us to "sing a new song unto the Lord."  Yet I feel like if I were to sing it would sound melancholy, or I do not have the capacity to rejoice.  Depression is not the absence of the joy of the Spirit, but the feeling of that joy being suppressed in a way.  I find it difficult to talk about or even explain.

I feel as though I am not good enough to do that which God has called me to do.  Which I know is ridiculous, because I'm not.  God will often use the weak and feeble to do His will so that the Glory belongs to Him.  I even feel as though I am not doing a good enough job in service to the King.  Which maybe true, "all our righteousness is as filthy rags."  Yet I know that what I do I do in submission to Him, to bring Him the Glory and that makes the difference, He somehow takes my service and uses it for His glory.

Even in my depression I know that I am His.  I know that He has a plan for me and my life.  The depression may try to suppress my joy.  It may try to keep me from giving Him glory, but it can not.  I will not allow it too, even this I give to Him who can use it for His glory.  I write this not so that people know of my struggle.  In fact I am embarrassed by this fight and would rather not talk about it with people beyond my wife.  However I think many people struggle with their depression alone and in silence maybe for the same reasons I do.  I want you to know that you too can give it to God and still give Him the glory through your struggles.  Though you may not feel as though you have any meaning or purpose in your life know that God has meaning and purpose for you.